Scared

Yesterday I was concerned about eating but now I don't even know. This afternoon I went to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood in the toilet... I thought it could be a weird sudden heavy period but I realized that it was coming from my rectum... I don't know what's going on guys but if anyone has any clue at all what this could be please tell me, I'm kinda scared. I've had problems like this before with blood from there but never this much. I've also had problems with severe abdominal pain. They never figured out the causes and it seems to have come back stronger. If anyone knows or has any advice i would really appreciate it...

Slow and Steady & Thinspo

Wins the race. I am finding this to be more true than ever. I used to weigh 160lbs or 163 on a bad morning. So I started eating right and over 6months I lost 29lbs and weighed 131. I didn't even exercise all that much, I just cut out soda and fast food and made good healthy choices everyday with an occasional treat like a small frozen yogurt once in a while. When I got desperate to try and lose weight faster before college started I began to eat very little, about 100-500cals every day. And at first I was losing 1lb every day! But I soon discovered that it killed my metabolism. If I eat two apples more than I should I gain a pound. So after 2months of eating like this I weigh (surprise) 127. I gained 1.5lbs yesterday and all I ate was 100cals.

The reason I didn't update yesterday is because I passed out. I don't think I should continue this anymore. I passed out from 8pm until my alarm at 5:30am this morning. All eating like this has done for me is ruin my health, I'm losing my hair, shaking, passing out, and vomiting. I think I will try and go back to a low cal but sensible diet. I will tell you all what I eat everyday and how I'm doing. I will still meet my goals but I"m going to do it the "healthy" way. I will still upload thinspo everyday for inspiration and because I love the beauty of it.

I hope you do not feel I have betrayed you all or given up when it was hard. I just think if I keep this up I could get really hurt. I live alone so no one know if I passed out again or on a run. I'm sorry I can't be as strong as all you ana's but I will still support you in everything you do. I love you all and I'm sorry I'm not as strong.

Thank you & Thinspo

Thank you everyone who commented and gave me the motivation and strength I needed <3 You all are the reason I know I can do this :-) I would be nothing without you. I am so grateful to everyone who follows and reads my blog and especially to those who care enough to offer advice. It means the world to me. <3
So today is going well and it is half over! I have eaten exactly to plan and I won't be messing up again. I know the warning signs and just in case I made a "things that make me happier than food" list in my food journal. So i'll go do those if I feel a binge coming on. A couple of things from the list:
 Things that make me happier than food <3
Scented Candles
Hot Tea
Disney movies
Reading
Spongebob & Regular Show (American Cartoons lol)
Decorating my room
New clothes
Giving too big clothes away
Thinspo
Drawing
Milk baths
Mani & pedi
Cute things

Share some of your ideas!! (: Btw does anyone know what approximate weight a 5'5 girl would have to weigh to fit into a size 1 or 0 pants size? I have no idea.

Staying Strong & Thinspo

Yeah, I feel shitty for earlier but I won't let it get me down any more. I'm over it. I'm going to get up tomorrow and give 110% more and stay on track like usual. I screwed up but that isn't me and it doesn't define me. I'm a strong ana with control and I will continue with my plan and I WILL meet my goal. From now on I will not have a "goal" of calories for the day I will have an allowance, a sure thing that I will stick to. <3

• Tomorrow's allowance: 100

7am 1/2 banana nut muffin       -50
9am 3 (s) Strawberries            -6
11am 1serving sugar free jello -10
1pm 1C baby spinach           -5

        3 Squirts dressing            -3

3pm 1C cucumber                 - 8

5pm 1C baby spinach          -5

        3 Squirts dressing           -3

6pm 2 Sheets Seaweed        -10

                                         -----------

                                     total: 100

Ashamed...

No thinspo, I don't even want to look.

I don't know what happened guys. I really don't... I was doing just fine all day no cravings or anything, I was just more and more shaky. I got home from clothes shopping where I bought 2 pairs of size 0 pants for motivation. It was 4pm and time for my 1/2C Special K cereal with 1/4 cup light vanilla soy milk. I measured it out and sat down at the table. I've been looking forward to it all day (because yesterday it tasted like heaven) and I took a bite and it was bitter. So I tried again and again. I got pissed and grabbed a new bowl and spoon thinking that was what was wrong and poured ANOTHER bowl. Same thing so i dumped it. Totally pissed I poured a bowl of my roommates cinnamon toast cereal with skim milk and ate it. Then the binge began. I was anger eating. I had:
2 kashi blackberry bars
50 blueberries
12 strawberries
1/2 cup skim milk
1C cinnamon toast cereal
1 medium orange
1 plum
1 tsp strawberry jam
1/2C salted almonds
some sips of chocolate sot milk
the rest of my vitabrownie

what. the. hell. Guys, I seriously have never ever binged like this before. I din't even want to add that shit up. Talk about a gigantic failure... I feel like a shithead right now. I'm so so stupid. Who gets angry and eats? I mean really... That was just so so incredibly stupid. I am more than sorry everyone, not just because I will gain weight, but because I let you down. I am so sorry. I broke my promise... I'm sorry...
I will stay with ABC, I won't let this stop me, no matter how bad I feel. But I do feel like complete shit right now.

Sick & Thinspo

This morning I got up for my normal 6am power walk and as I was getting ready something felt wrong. I was very shaky, light headed and extremely nauseous. I had to skip my walk because I couldn't even finish putting on my shorts. So I took two tums and waited for my "meal" time at 7am because I figured it was lack of food. Well I finally made it to 7 and my 1/2muffin didn't help so I got desperate and had 2 small strawberries and 1 blueberry. Still I was a wreck so I ended up having to sleep from 7am unitl 10am. I feel ok now but still shaky. Anyone know what is going on?  :c

Grocery Shopping & Thinspo

I stuck to my plan today :-) The only mess up was I had to eat a plum instead of a small peach. The peach had has 31cals and the plum had 34 :P So 3 extra. I just didn't have an peaches like I thought I did! Sorry guys! :c Btw my jar of dill pickles has 0 cals so do you think it would be cheating if I had some during the day? Be honest <3
Today I went grocery shopping for the month and here are some of the low cal foods I buy if you are interested (:

• Vitabrownies
• Banana Nut Vitamuffin tops
• CranBran Vitamuffin tops
• Strawberries 
• HealthyFULL 
• Nutty grain bread
• Lean pockets 
• Plums 
• flounder 
• perch 
• Blueberry Ricecakes 
• Raw blueberries 
• Oranges 
• Bananas 
• Kashi bars 
• Active Apple Chai Oatmeal
• diet hot coco 
• Lots of Hot Tea (:

You guys will probably hear me rave about vitamuffins so here's a link http://www.vitalicious.com/ they are amazing, so delicious, low cal, low fat, low sodium, and packed with vitamins. :-) What's not to love 

My grocery bill was 100 lol healthy foods are worth it and this will last me a long time. I eat little but the trick is variety ;)

• Tomorrow's goal: 400
• 7am: 1/2 banana nut vitamuffin -50
• 9am: 25 Blueberries -20
• 11am: 2C Baby Spinach -20
•           7 Squirts dressing -7
• 12am: 1/2 Steamed Pollock -50
•           12 Special K (sour cream & onion) cracker chips -49
• 2pm: 1/2C Special K Cereal -60
•         1/4C Light Vanilla Soy milk -17
• 4pm: 1/2 Vitabrownie -50
• 6pm: Small apple with cinnamon -77                                                                                                    

                                                       ------------

                                               total: 400  
Once again, thank you everyone so much for following me <3 And I really appreciate your comments! They are helpful and encouraging! :-)